I am twelve

I am twelve years old, maybe thirteen at the oldest. Not in actual years but at heart. I have a full time "grown up" job, I wear "grown up" clothes and I pay "grown up" bills, but at heart I want to wear short pants all the time, do my paper route once a week and not have to worry about where my next meal will come from.

I am not afraid to admit it. I think everyone should embrace their inner child and do it as much as possible. Everyday I belch loudly, fart on those around me and laugh, laugh, laugh. I ENJOY myself! It is a crazy idea but it works.

Besides hilarious bodily functions, I remember the toys and TV shows that I loved when I was a kid. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? You bet! Transformers? I still say "roll out" when I leave the house every morning. Care bears? Still got those PJ's He-man? Still working on my Battle Cat genetic experiment.

I was browsing around YouTube and I stumbled upon some of my favourite TV shows from years gone. Anyone else remember these?

Mr. Bumpy, the coolest guy to live off you dirty socks. Unlike that creepy guy at the gym.


Beekmans world, like Bill Nye on meth. Kind of like that creepy guy at the gym.


Pee Wee Herman. Probably is the creepy guy at the gym.


Next time the world tries to beat you down, remember these videos and what used to make you the most happy. Also, fart on someone.

Music Mondays: I'm trying something new here...

Bear with me here...

Total Babe - Bearbot	Fyfe Dangerfield - When You Walk In The Room	Dirty Goods - Honest

I know I had the video for the third one before but I just finally found the mp3 and listen to it all the time. You should be able to download those. There's gotta be a better way than that...anyway, I'm probably going to give up with this embedding music thing soon.

And 1. Dragonette - Pick up the Phone (I can't tell whether I like this video or not...I can at least tolerate it).

The movie theater

The movie theater has the highest concentration of idiots in the world. I am still working on the numbers but just from what I witness every time I see a movie it must be true. It must be the social atmosphere and the promise of entertainment that brings in the dregs of society.

Every time I go to the movie theater I always run into people who: kick my seat, talk non-stop, use their cellphones to blind me, dig in their bag of pop corn for 20 minutes at a time or a combination of all of those.

I used to think it was just at action or comedy movies these events would happen but I have come to realize is happens at any and all movies. How does one pay $12 to see a movie and then use your cellphone to text your friends for the full two hours? Do you know realize someone is sitting in the seat you are kicking? Also use your whisper voice if you want to talk to your friends, this is not the mall.

On many occasions I have had to tell people to shut up or put their phones away or to stop doing their best Pele impression on the back of my seat. People have completely lost their social awareness and no one seems to be doing anything about it. Those of us who are intelligent and socially aware people need to start correcting these habits.

My friend Denise made it her new years resolution to not take crap any more (mostly at the theater) or as she said "The year Denise is not afraid to cut a bitch". I think we all need to make this our top priority. If you see someone using their cellphone don't be afraid to tell them right away, don't wait and hope they will realize their mistakes because they won't. If someone is talking, even five words, tell them to shut up! Nip these behaviours in the bud. Get the manager if it continues and then demand a replacement ticket for missing part of the movie.

We need to fix society and it will happen one movie at a time.

Finally watched Jersey Shore, just expanded my lexicon.

I'm typing this as I'm watching the show for the first time. I've seen commercials and clips but I'm talking full episode here. You know it wouldn't be MTV reality if there wasn't total unnecessary drama, but this is literally drama on steroids...because that's what everyone in the house takes...steroids.

If anything the show is great just based on the dialogue alone. Maybe my street talk has fallen off a bit but these guys have a serious case of ridiculosis. Here are some examples:

Grenade launcher = fat chick. "There's like 2 girls and a grenade launcher standing outside."

Jump on a grenade = take one for the team. "I'm all about being a wing man and I'd jump on a grenade for you, but that girl is just straight explosion."

GTL = Gym, Tan, Laundry. What two of the guys do every single day. "You gotta look right when you go out, GTL baby."

Creep = Find some girls, hook up with some girls. "I'm back, lets go to Beachcombers and creep on some girls."

The best part of the episode was when one of the main female characters got into a fight with some hos at the house (over nothing in particular by the way) and one of the guys describes it as WWIII. Then after the tramps get picked up by the cops, I guess it was really early in the morning because the garbage truck comes by and one of the guys yells, "Hey white trash, your ride's here." Classic.

Anyhow, the show ends with one of main guy characters getting into a fight and roid raging all over the boardwalk then flipping tables over at house. Life's full of drama as it is which is probably why I never leave my bedroom but at least I don't live on the Shore...

Is this what the other side is like?

Anyway, because I can here's the latest Kick-Ass trailer so you can stop thinking about Jersey Shore.

Lessons Learned

Here's what I've learned in the past two days...

1. When you live in the rainiest city ever, always wear your rainboots. Even if it's not raining when you leave for work...wear them anyways. This will prevent you from having soaking wet shoes and pants when you get home. Mesh running shoes are also a terrible footwear decision in the rain.

2. When you have a DVD/VHS combo (that's right...VHS) from 2003 and you've been trying to program a three year old universal remote for an hour, with no success...sometimes it's easier to buy a new $50 DVD player that comes with it's own remote. This is what I will be doing at London Drugs tomorrow. Happy early birthday to me.

3. Straight, single men do exist in Vancouver. Woo!

You know what's really creepy?

When they make fake people...even if it is of a UFC champ.



Can someone please order me one of Katy Perry. Thanks.

How in the world did the 90s come back into style?

Its natural that things come full circle but what I don't get is how the most uncool stuff in the 90s somehow became the coolest stuff today. Last time I remember I was getting made fun of people were not keen on wearing down filled jackets or converse shoes back when I was in grade 8.

Exhibit 1: Canada Goose Collection (yeah, those jackets)


It gets to be around -20ºC with the wind chill pretty regularly up there in the Arctic Toronto, so I'm pretty glad that being warm is back in style...because I thought I was getting to be pretty lame for a second there *whew*.

You know who else has been wearing Canada Goose for the past 30 years? My Dad. He might just be the coolest guy you've ever met.

Exhibit 2: Plaid and Converse

Kurt Cobain and the lumberjacks did it best, everyone else just pretends. I'm pretty sure they didn't wear it because it was on sale at The Gap or Jean Machine. Don't act like you don't know...



Throw in some poor orthopedic canvas shoes for good measure.

Exhibit 3: Nerd Glasses (worn by people who don't need glasses)

Unless you're Amir Bloomsauce or someone who needs prescription lenses, you are not allowed to wear these glasses.



As much as I like to stare at this girl for hours how cute this girl looks in the music video, I hate the fact that her glasses are fake. I've actually seen douche bags people at the bar wearing fake glasses as well. I'm glad having poor vision is all the rage right now.

Am I guilty of these crimes? Absolutely, except for the glasses one thats just preposterous. A guy's gotta look good right?

People are Idiots, Volume I: Parking

I suppose this entry should start with an introduction, as it's been titled as a series...the intention for this scrawl is to point out in (hopefully) humourous fashion some of the common blunders and mistakes made by members of the population of this wonderful planet that we call home. I'm not immune to making some of them myself, and may publish a work detailing my own ineptitude at some point (highly unlikely as that may be). It's a gross generality to assume that all people are idiots, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that the actions of one can affect the perceptions of many, hence the blanket title for this series of (barely coherent) rants. Enough with the prelude, on to the idiocy...

You've all seen it. A parking lot full of cars lined up as though arranged by a 4-year-old with their eyes closed, after guzzling down a 950mL Minotaur Energy Drink. Sometimes the situation is exacerbated by the holiday season, or by a major event, but regardless of goings-on or the time of year, people still fail to put the wheels inside the yellow lines.

Case in point: I (attempt to) leave work today to head home for lunch, only to find that some moron has parked his minivan not 8 inches from my driver's side door:

There was a moment of quiet hesitation when I first observed this heinous encroachment of my car's personal space, and then the rage began to boil. If this wasn't in such a public place, some very bad things may have happened to this minivan. Just saying.

Rage was replaced by bewilderment and confusion as to how oblivious one must be to the space in which their vehicle operates...embarrassing as it may be, I frequently take second (or third) passes at getting a half-decent parking job, if only to ensure that I can actually get out of my car without smashing my door against the adjacent car.

So, after clambering into the driver's seat through the passenger's door, I quelled my desire to give this driver the written equivalent of the frowning of a lifetime and drove off. Suggestions as to how to punish these sort of shenanigans are welcome, legality optional.

I don't think that it would be a bad idea to put people through a more rigorous driver's instruction program. If the cities are worried about traffic, increase the frequency of testing and get some of these jokers off the road. Don't even get me started about the sort of shit I see while I'm actually driving...

I'll close with one of the most spectacular parking failures I've ever seen:

Idiots.

The King is back.

Let me tell you a little bit about Tetris. I love it, it's awesome and it makes you smarter.

After something like a 4 year hiatus from Tetris, I'm back. If you don't know the story about how Blockstar sold out and hosed everyone's high scores, then forget about it. All you need to know is that Blockstar was is a bunch of jerks. Anyway, in a triumphant 3 day return to the new Tetris Friends, I managed to sufficiently wax all of my so-called Facebook friends and regain my title(s) as Supreme Chancellor.

To celebrate, I bought this. Yes...this is the kind of thing I spend money on...



So here's my review. I'm not going to lie, the screen and buttons are so small it makes this thing is extremely awkward to play. Regardless of that minor issue, you will catch me playing it on the train or airplane getting carpal tunnel syndrome. -25 EXP!

You know you're a badass when...

You know you're a badass when you wear super flamboyant tights, break people's arms and then flip everyone off with no remorse.

If you missed it (I know I did), here's K-1 Dynamite Shinya Aoki vs Mizuto Hirota from New Year's Eve.

MMA can get pretty messy. Kind of graphic? yeah. 

So if you're not interested in that kind of thing the just look at this super cute GIF and don't press the play button.

Consider yourself warned.

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets.

In my 26 years of existence I can't remember the last time I've made a New Year's resolution - Maybe it's because I thought they were lame I think it was because I believed that you don't have to wait until the next year to do something different. But in thinking that I never ended up changing anything anyway...Just call me the ultimate hypocrite, I won't deny it.

Well this year I think will be different, which is why this year I'm going to make some new resolutions for my bad self. Setting goals is a good thing right? Ready or not, here's the list. Each item on it is there because I believe that it will somehow make me a more tolerable better person...

1. More Music

Music soothes the savage beast right? I hope so. Since lately music sucks so much, I feel that I've just not been listening to enough of what's out there. New headphones (yeah, the ones in the image) + new earphones + old iPod = Radio Emperor. Screw you Canadian radio, interweb here I come.

2. Smoking Hot Pretty Girl to Kiss Next New Year's Eve

Because I've flawlessly mastered the art of being single and I'm not going back to University any time soon, my loins ache it would be real nice to not hang out with like 20 guys on a regular basis.

Seriously. If this guy can do it, I've gotta have a shot right? What's every good looking girl doing tonight?

3. Be More Healthy

I think this is the one that makes the list of pretty much anyone who makes a list. As cliché as it is, I need to get in on the action. Since my job involves me sitting in front of a computer all day long, I think its time to shed some pounds and cut back on the excessiveness. Here I come with my sexy self - my liver should thank me.

4. Sleep More

As dumb as it sounds, I think some of the reason why I'm as weird and dysfunctional awesome as I am is because I don't sleep that much. Its not that I don't like reading New Moon cleaning my rifles until 1:30am on a Thursday night, but I probably shouldn't. Caffeine ain't no substitute for solid rest.

5. New Haircut

According to this site, I've had pretty much the same ivy league/faux hawk/other variation hair cut for the past 5 years (except for the one summer where I sported the shaved head and the winter where I grew the afro). Maybe its because its easy but I think I need an older more sophisticated look. Side part anyone?

While I know I can't go cold turkey all the time, I'll do my best to try most of the time. Getting bad grades is at least better than failing right? We'll see how this plays out.

Text, it can be tricky

The Internet was invented for pornography sharing information and since then it has developed into a monster. On the Internet you can literally do anything from renting a car to finding that special someone to selling that special someone to a special someone else overseas for a small (read: large) finder’s fee. And while you are not buying and selling mail orders brides you can find a little bit of information. Make sure before you take that information as fact you cross check it with Wikipedia ask someone who actually knows what they are talking about, we wouldn't want you to get false information. When those nerds sat down those many years ago they could have never imagined what they were about to thrust upon the world.

Now that we have known each other for some time and you have fallen in love with me, you know I use a certain degree of sarcasm, or I hope you do because if you don't, oh man, I feel sorry for you and your pathetic life. Anyway, one of the biggest problems I run into on the Internet is the problem of crossed signals. On the Internet what you type lacks nuance and that leads to many, many arguments and disappointments. I have no problems disappointing people or arguing with them until they eventually see my point of view or it leads to us meeting in a Zellers parking lot to settle this like men, you pussy. What I cannot deal with is the lowering of standards we have had to endure, especially in the comedy category. The quality of comedy is steadily decreasing but our reactions stay the same. This picture perfectly illustrates what I am talking about:




As you can see, we have been subjected to bad comedy for so long that we react with enthusiasm because that what is expected, but we actually feel very little. The last pane is actually how I feel when I see everyone laughing at mediocre comedy, uncontrollable rage. What is the cure? Go to sites that are actually funny, here are a few:

Hark A Vagrant
Penny Arcade
Dinosaur Comics
Cyanide and Happiness

Music Mondays: Some old songs for the new year

Odds - Someone Who's Cool (whatever happened to these guys)



Sloan - The Lines You Amend (great live)



The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 (because you know you love it...hard to find embeddable video, hope it lasts)



Pharrell - Can I Have It Like That ft. Gwen Stefani (yeah)



50 Cent - In Da Club (don't deny it, just embrace it)

2010: Its on like Donkey Kong!

That's right folks, another year and decade gone and I think we are all the better for surviving it.

2009 was a year of ups and many, many downs. I could go on and recap the year but you guys lived it, you know what happened. Let's look forward to the year coming. 2010 is the year of epic sporting events: The 2010 Winter Olympics and the 2010 World Cup. Here are some videos to get you PUMPED!

2010 World Cup


2010 Winter Olympics

New Years shit storm avoided

Looks like we made it through another year, welcome to 2010...

Nothing really to report other than fun and excess...except for the part where the random drunk guy on the corner of John & Richmond who whipped out his penis for no reason. Hope everyone else made it out alive.

Now enjoy the first weekend of the year. See you on the slopes.