Pro tip of the day: don't leave valuables lying around in your car, dummy.

Here’s how I imagine it went down…

The department head steps up onto the stage and says, “I just want to formally thank everyone for their stellar performance this year, it’s really appreciated…” In other words thanks for working like dogs because my Christmas bonus is []D [] []V[] []D.

Meanwhile, Rodrigo is in the back rolling his eyes at it all while eating the creme brulee that he conveniently told diners they had just ran out of. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out his Samsung Galaxy S II LTE and texts his brother in law Manuel with two words: GO TIME.

The speeches continue so naturally nobody stands up, enters or leaves in fear of being ostracized by their peers. Waiters stand there eyeing the tables, trying to decide which empty plates to attack first, while the chefs in the back are all eating more of that delicious creme brulee (which they cleverly hoarded, knowing that there wouldn’t be enough for the diners to enjoy).

Outside, Manuel reads Rodrigo’s message out loud and his gang of thieves go to work. Despite the ridiculous size and amount of traffic it sees, there’s conveniently no cameras in this convention center parking lot. And with the speeches going on nobody would dare walk out to their cars either - perfect. Manuel, Juan-Ceasar, Cornelio and Edgardo get out and run up and down the isles, peering into the different windows while Esteban sits in the car just idling.

They all stop and look at each other for a second then Manuel yells, “GO!” All at once the robbing begins. From the first alarm that goes off, they have about a minute until someone realizes that shit just got real. Or not. Without wasting any time the crew uses their spark plugs to break the windows of the cars which they just scoped out not a minute before - quick and dirty and coordinated.

Before anyone even realized it, they are long gone in Esteban’s 2004 Buick Regal SS driving to Parry Sound to meet up with their fence and cash out. They’re in the clear - cheering, drinking tequila, giving each other high fives and kissing each other on the mouth before that first alarm even stopped ringing.

Would it have made any difference if the names were Korean or something?



So I was at my department’s Christmas Festive Lunch yesterday…

It was a big affair with probably a couple of hundred people in a large convention center. The food was cookie-cutter-decent and you could enjoy as much of it as you wanted, so everyone stayed for a while.

Unfortunately, after the itis set in and people started to leave (to get back to work and be super productive I’m sure) they came out to the parking lot only to see a bunch of broken glass everywhere. Horrible.

I got a ride and we were fine, but even still the car directly beside us was not so fortunate. A lot of cars got robbed that day. I even looked inside to see what was up and turns out the woman was a real noob. Smooth move lady, leaving your purse on the seat like that, completely out in the open.

Same story down the line and I can only imagine that the SUVs with their back windows smashed meant that there were laptop bags in the trunk. Unfortunate, but what would you expect?

A steep price to pay for a free lunch…