I am going to buy panties now

What does it take to be a man? Shaving your face daily? Knowing how to start a fire with a rock? How many women you have slept with? What car you drive? Having a penis? I don’t know what the answer is, or know if there is even one real answer. I consider myself a man, I have a penis and I shave once in a while, but any time I am in the presence of a real man I know that I have a long way to go. I have a list in my mind of manly men and after minutes months of deliberation I have a clear #1.

Now, you are thinking “Who is manlier than a guy named Mayhem?” Is it the guy who can pull a plane with his penis? Is it Mariusz Pudzianowski, the multiple Worlds Strongest Man championship winner? Is it our own blogger extraordinaire, Make Me Emperor? No, all of them are complete waste of testosterone. Sorry, Emperor. No, none of these men deserve to wipe the ass of my #1, Fedor Emelianenko.

I know all of you just did a collective, who? Maybe if you let me talk and shut up for a minute I will tell you! But hear me out. Fedor Emelianenko was the reigning and last Pride FC Heavyweight World Champion, the current WAMMA Heavy Weight Champion and current scourge of the Strikeforce Heavyweight division. Also, he is a multiple time Sambo champion and close friend of Valdimir Putin. Here is a picture.



Scary? Not really, right? But don’t let the slightly tubby appearance fool you, he is a one man wrecking machine that would send any tough guy you could imagine running for the hills. He is six feet tall and two hundred thirty three pounds of pure terror. He moves around the cage like a man half his weight, hits like a semi truck filled with TNT and has the submission skills to take whatever part of your body he chooses home with him.

Promoters have thrown contender after contender after him and he tears through them like a buzz saw through toast. His record of 31 wins, 1 loss and 1 no contest is a testament to his awesomeness. That one loss on his record? Not legit, the other guy cheated and not too long after Fedor repaid him in full for his cowardly ways. He has wins over the who’s who in MMA, here is a sampling: Kevin Randleman, Mark Coleman, Andrei Arlovski, Tim Sylvia, Matt Lindland, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueria and Semmy Schlit.

Fedor trains and lives in Stary Oskol, Russia. That in itself is a manly feat, no one choses to live in Russia. He is so badass he trains at the Red Devil Sport Club, that name alone makes my penis want to leave me and go live with Fedor because just living in his pocket is manlier than being attached to my pathetic body. He runs five miles every morning, naked I would assume, in -30 Celsius weather. He trains in the mountains six days a week and eats a stew made of sinewy because it has magical power and when he gets bored of all of that he fights bears with his bare hands.

There he is, Fedor "Destroyer of Planets" Emelianenko. Just writing this has made me depressed because I will never be 1% of the man he is. Here are some videos of him doing what he does best and I apologize in advance, I also have trouble sleeping knowing that he roams the earth.